Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and
contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not
a racetrack. Beating
me to the other end is not the object. Tripping
me doesn't help because
I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a queen-sized
bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually
curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I
also think that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from
the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get
the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the
bathroom alone for
years - canine or feline attendance is not
mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the
other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our
front door.
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to
Complain About Our Pets:
1 They live here. You don't
2 If you don't want their hair on your
clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3 I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
4 To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and
doesn't speak clearly.
NOTE:
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat
less, don't ask for money
all the time, are easier to train, usually come
when called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends,
don't smoke or drink,
don't sass back, don't worry about having to buy
the latest fashions,
don't wear your clothes, and don't need a
gazillion dollars for college -
and if they get pregnant, you can sell the
children.
